Regret- "a negative emotional state that arises when a person believes their past decision or action led to an unfavorable outcome, often accompanied by a desire to undo or change the past."(Zeelenberg &Pieters, 2007,p.3).
Regret is a useless emotion. You might argue, but you can learn! Yes, you can learn from past mistakes. However, most of the things people regret are not things that are easily changed or things that can be undone. If you can change it, then it probably wasn't significant enough to warrant true regret in the first place. Who really regrets choosing a chicken sandwich instead of a hamburger beyond their next meal? Maybe a prisoner on death row, but that's about it. Even then, their regret probably truly lies with whatever circumstance landed them there in the first place. If they were not there, then the choice of chicken or a hamburger wouldn't be as important. The truth is by the time you truly regret something it's too late to change it.
I am a person who was plagued with regret. If I made a mistake I would dwell on it. I would relive the mistake over and over trying to erase away the feeling I got because I didn't make the correct choice. I wasted precious time and emotion making myself feel bad about something that had already happened, was over with, and I could not go back and change. I cared too much. I cared too much what people thought. I couldn't make mistakes because I didn't want people to know that I wasn't perfect. People had placed expectations on me, and I had to live up to them. I had to be kind because I was kind to Judy, and she bragged that I am kind. So everybody knew I was kind. I had to be smart because I got an A on the last test and the teacher praised me for being the only kid to get a 100 and the whole class knew. I had to be pretty because I posted a picture online one day and it got 100 likes and 87 comments saying I am beautiful. I cared too much. I enjoyed the approval of others. I enjoyed being well liked and that became the source of my self-esteem. It's good to care right? It keeps us from killing everyone who makes us angry. However, when care too much about them, you don't matter.
In my line of work, I have treated all kinds of people and one of the things I have noticed is that whenever a person who is bedridden or chronically ill is really well taken care of, the caregiver usually dies first. Why does that happen? People have said it all along. You can't pour from an empty cup. If you water grass from a glass its color won't last. If you water it from a hose, it grows and grows. If you live to please or take care of others without tending to your own needs wants and desires (watering from a cup), then you cease to exist (you will burn out). This can be literal or metaphorical. Your life becomes about others whether you are neglecting yourself to maintain the physical life of another person like a caregiver, or you are only living to maintain the perception a person has of you because you have attached your identity to their approval.
For example, your mate praises you because you are always there when he needs you. I am loving and dependable. He says thank you babe, I love how you prioritize our love. You make plans with a friend to have a girl's weekend but at the last minute he says he misses you and wants you to stay home with him. You want to maintain the image of prioritizing him, so you disappoint your friends and stay home with your boyfriend. If I do not stay, then he will no longer think I am loving and dependable and may not like me. It starts subtly but over time you spend less time doing the things you enjoy and more time doing the things your mate enjoys. Then one day you look up and you realize you lost yourself.
I dated this guy who was self-proclaimed selfish. For the record, I don't disagree with him. I thought so much of him because he was my man, my man, my man. Yep, I played the fool for love. One thing for certain is he knew how to prioritize his happiness. Because he put himself first, I did too. I learned to treat people how I wanted to be treated, and he learned to fill his own glass first. So he was very happy. He was giving himself what he wanted, while I was also giving him what he wanted. If I didn't give him what he wanted, then he would go cheat. Because his happiness was always first. Meanwhile, I was left feeling depleted, sad, and unsatisfied. I spent years in an unhappy relationship chasing the affection of a man who said he loved me and just wanted me to be happy but always put himself first. I felt like I was screaming, then why won't you treat me right! Hindsight is 20/20 but regret is fruitless.
Men like happy women. I was unhappy because I attached my happiness to another person. I depleted myself pouring into him to ensure he was happy. He was busy making himself happy. He got poured into himself first and I got the overflow. If he didn't have enough to give himself then he gave me nothing. Meanwhile, I was still pouring into his cup to fill him up on the days he was sad, on the days he was stressed, on the days he tired. He wasn't a bad person altogether, but he understood that you can't give what you don't have so you can't give everything you have away. So, what is the fix? You have to care less.
He actually told me to care less when I complained that I did all of this for him, and I felt like he didn't care because he wasn't reciprocating. He seemed like a jerk in the moment but looking back on it, it was actually good advice. When your happiness is tied to another person's idea of you, or perception of you then you will only be happy when that person allows you to be and gives you, their approval. If you prioritize yourself in all areas: your hobbies, your appearance, your health, and the things that make you happy you maintain a state of contentment. When you are happy you attract people who are attracted to the happy version of yourself. This is the you that they like so why would you need to change or do something different to keep them? This is not to say that you should be selfish and never consider your partner or their feelings. What you give to them should be only a portion of what you have to give. When you give what you do not have that is called sacrifice. Sacrifices are for dire times and should not be your norm. You should not have to kill your hobbies to keep your relationship, or your health to maintain the health of another person.
When we broke up, I began to get back to who I was. I did whatever I wanted. I ate what I wanted. I went where I wanted. I saw the movies that I wanted. I began working out and pursuing new hobbies. I began loving myself and I realized that I wasn't depressed like I thought, I was just empty. Low and behold not only did I begin to like who I was he did too. He was attracted to the happy version of me just like I was. I didn't need to make him happy for him to like me. He liked me because I made myself happy and the happy me was fun to be around. When I stopped caring what other people thought of me and my choices, I gave myself the freedom to please myself. I no longer waste time regretting making the wrong choice because whatever choice I made was for me. I realize a mistake is just a reminder to do something different if I ever have to make that choice again. If you read this far then I hope something helped you. If you didn't, I could care less.
תגובות