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Addicted

Writer's picture: Jessica HarrisJessica Harris

Not again. Yes, again. Here you are again lying next to him, clothes on the floor and wearing nothing but your feelings. You said last time was the last time. Why did you text him back? You were doing so good. It had been two weeks of no contact, and one text is all it took. Not even a whole word just three little letters "imy". Now you have to start all over again. You know you aren't good together so why do you keep ending up here? I will tell you. You are addicted.


They say peace is priceless, but have you ever been addicted to chaos? Who ever said love doesn't cost a thing lied. Being entangled with someone who is toxic for you will have you ready to risk it all. Just like a drug, being with a toxic person can be addicting. It may not be whitewater rafting, bungee jumping, or skydiving but it's rush that keeps people stuck in toxic relationships. They call them "adrenaline junkies" for a reason. Even arguments can give you a surge of adrenaline and get your heart pumping much in the same way as passionate sex. The truth is that pain and pleasure aren't too far apart. The ups and the downs of a toxic relationship keep you chasing the next high whether it's positive or negative.


"How to get your man back and keep him." Rule number 1 is going no contact, right? We have read it and it works. Why? Because whether it was a good relationship, or a bad one cutting someone off cold turkey induces stress! You have spoken to that man or that woman for 169 days straight. They depend on your good morning text like an alarm clock and today the clock did not go off and they are in a panic. What are they doing? Who are they with? Their mind is reeling with wonder. How many times have they looked at the story, checked the page or snapchat? They not only want to know what you are doing and what is going on, they NEED to know. Every time you were angry before you would get over it the next day. You sent them paragraphs explaining exactly why you were angry, and they knew exactly what they needed to pretend to do to keep you holding on for a little bit longer. Now, you are just silent. No angry text. No missed calls just silence. So why is the silence so unnerving to us? Even peace can feel uncomfortable when you are addicted to chaos.


Being in the healthcare profession I think about like being addicted to anything really. You can be addicted to coffee and decide to stop and experience headaches. You can be addicted to sugar and decide to go low carb. Suddenly you are tired, achy, moody, or shaky. Getting out of a toxic relationship can illicit emotional symptoms similar to withdrawal and for some make them physically ill. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy also known is "broken heart syndrome" is a temporary heart condition triggered by extreme emotional or physical stress. It's true you can truly break someone's heart or in many cases we break our own hearts. We ignore red flags, excuse one too many transgressions, and allow people to treat our boundaries like imaginary friends that only we can see. Yet, you still can't escape. So why do you keep going back? It's simple. The answer is to stop the bleeding.


You have just cut a person you once cared about out of your life, and it feels like you are dying inside. People go back to ease the withdrawals. Why do you think people go back to drinking alcohol and drugs when they know they are actually killing them, and they are trying to quit? It hurts! It leaves a hole, and you are hemorrhaging emotion. This is why many people will either go back to what is hurting them or find something or someone else to occupy their time, a rebound, a hobby, a support group or emotional nicotine patch as I like to say. They have to fill the void. If you haven't healed the part of you that craves the excitement found in someone or something else, it doesn't matter if it's been two weeks or two years you are susceptible to go back. Any addiction can be hard to break, but the joy of breaking free far exceeds the pain of holding on. The key to breaking any addiction is to attack the root of the problem in you. You have to find the part of you that needs whatever deficiency in yourself that toxic thing is feeding or keeping you from addressing and healing. If you never look you will never find the peace you truly deserve. Healing requires grace and a plan. It requires that you be honest with yourself.


It's like saying, I got lung cancer because I smoked. They removed the tumor but if I never want to have cancer again then I have to quit smoking (accountability). I smoke when I am anxious (identifying triggers), and it calms me. I get anxious because when I was a child if I didn't complete tasks as fast as everyone else, I felt slow and inadequate (identifying the root of the issue). I work on my anxiety every day by planning my days in advance, delegating tasks when I can so I don't get overwhelmed, I take breaks and rest (creating a plan to alleviate the trigger). I reflect every night on what I accomplished so I feel positive about what I did achieve for the day, and not what I did not get to. Focusing on your productivity over time will negate the negative idea that everything must be done quickly and hopefully alleviate anxiety and thus the desire to smoke. Does this mean you will never get weak and smoke? No, healing isn't linear and there will be setbacks and sometimes those setbacks will be painful. Grace allows us to accept our imperfections and move forward. It hurts to heal, but it also hurts to be addicted.

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